Humor Thread

[Homer]

Every Forum should have a Humor Thread. :D


Sense I'm Half Polish, Moms side, I'll start.
--------------------------------------------------

Q) What do you call a Cute Blond In Poland?

A) Tourist

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Q) What happened to the Polish Fish?

A) It Drowned

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Q) What happened to the Polish Ice Skating Team?

A) They Drowned During Spring Training.

[Thanato]

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

~Thanato

[RonanHayes]

Excellent, right keep it clean people. Nothing too extreme.

[75thDeadMan]

Booooooooooo Bad Joke(s)!

[SeinfeldRules]

<reo4k> just type /quit whoever, and it'll quit them from irc
* luckyb1tch has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* r3devl has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* sasopi has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* phhhfft has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* blackersnake has quit IRC (r`heaven)
<ibaN`reo4k[ex]> that's gotta hurt
<r`heaven> :(


<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut[AFK]> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS
<Reverend> IRC is just multiplayer notepad.
I love Bash.org. They have some of the funniest stuff.

[<SaF>Sgt.S0apy]

what do you call a fly without wings? ...................

walk

[<SaF>Sgt.S0apy]

TOP 5 OF FAVE VIDS FROM OFFICECLIPS.COM, you need windows media player to watch :p

John West's Salmon (http://homepage.ntlworld.com/nigel.simpson/clips/37.wmv)

Big Boat.. Little Boat... (http://homepage.ntlworld.com/nigel.simpson/clips/5.wmv)

Bounceyyy!! (http://homepage.ntlworld.com/nigel.simpson/clips/1.wmv)

Fords 'Sport KA' gets cat.. (http://homepage.ntlworld.com/nigel.simpson/clips/30.wmv)

meet pinky, pet of the week, aint she friendly :D (http://homepage.ntlworld.com/nigel.simpson/clips/34.wmv)

[Homer]

This guy was at a bar trying to pick up a chick, she was drunk so she said " what the hell I'll go home with him". It got cold out sense they went in the bar so the guy gave the girl his jacket but the "Zipper"was broken so she had to put it on backwards, she was OK with it sense they were about to get on a Motorbike, Well they driving down the street every things cool, suddenly "BAM" they ran into a rig. Police got on the seen and asked a bum on the side of the road what happened?

Bum said: Man this guy was driving with this girl on the back of the bike south on this road and that rig was coming north and tring to make a turn when BAM the motorbike smashed into the right front end, the guy died right away, but the woman was still alive, But when we twistied her head back around she died.. :confused:



Never drive a bike with a broken Zipper.

[Homer]

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q) What does a blond say when she wakes up in the morning?


A) O time to go home.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q) What does a blond say during Sex?


A) You guys all on the same team?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q) If and Blond and a Brunet fall off a building, who hits the ground first?


A) The Brunet, because the Blond stops and asks for directions
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q) Why was the dumb blonde angry when she received her drivers license?

A) She got a F in sex!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Homer]

Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
(5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
meant to remove Disk 1 first.

[Homer]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his
position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER".
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer
to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "
I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer".

[SeinfeldRules]

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive.

Those were good.:)

-------------------------

A couple wins a trip to an expensive golf resort. When they arrive, they decided to head straight to the front nine and get in a few holes in before dinner. As the man was getting ready to make his first drive on hole one, he stopped and looked down the fairway and all the way down on both sides were huge houses that had to be worth at least $500,000. He then looked at his wife and said, "Honey, Let's be real careful not to make any mistakes on this course. I would hate to pay for something around here. Some of these windows are probably worth more than my car"

The man then takes his first swing. SLICE!!!! The ball heads straight for a house and goes through the window. The man looks over at his wife and says, "Let's go see what the damage is"

They come up to the front door and ring the door bell. I large man opens the door and holds the golf ball up. "Is this yours", he said.

The husband apologizes and offers the man some money to pay for the window. The Large man says, that won't be necessary, please come in my home. He brings the couple to the living room where the window was broken. He said " I am so happy your ball came through that window. Do you see that broken Vase on the coffee table"

The couple nodded wondering where this conversation was going.

"I am a genie, and I have been stuck in that damn vase for over 1000 years. You have freed me and for that I am willing to give you each a wish. The third one I will use on my self" The genie looks over to the man and says, "What will your wish be sir"

The man replies, "I have always wanted to have my own chain of restaurants"

The genie says, "Done, You own your own chain of restaurants. What can I do for you Mrs.?"

The women replies, "I have always wanted to own my own chain of Beauty Salons."

The genie says, "Done, you own your own chain of Beauty Salons."

The man then looks at the genie and asks, "What is your wish going to be?"

The Genie replies, "As I said earlier, I have been in that damn vase for over 1000 years and for over a 1000 years I haven't had sex. My wish is to take your wife upstairs and have sex with her for 3 hours."

The man looks at his wife and they both agreed since they both got what they wanted. The woman and the Genie went upstairs to the bedroom while the man stayed downstairs watching TV After 3 hours the Genie and the woman started walking back down the stairs.

The women looked at the genie and said, "That was amazing"

The genie looked at her and said, "What's amazing is your husband still believes in Genies"

[Homer]

LMAO now thats funny.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See?
A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."

[SeinfeldRules]

Ha, that joke had a great punch line.
------------------------------------------
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, " My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

[Homer]

lmao my dad told me that joke when I was 14, still funny as hell.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some WW2 Jokes


How did the Germans invade Poland in WWII without firing a single shot?

They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.



Why did French tanks during WWII have rear-view mirrors?

So they could watch the war. ;)



Why does the New Italian Navy use glass bottom boats?

So they can see the Old Italian Navy!



Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

[SeinfeldRules]

Windows RG(Really good) Edition (http://www.deanliou.com/WinRG/) <-Click
It's an interactive paraody of the Windows operating system. Really funny :)

[Homer]

Two guys walked into a bar...










It's a shame because the second one should have ducked...

[SeinfeldRules]

Nascar:
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks

[Homer]

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.